The End of a year

The End of the Year

At the end of every year we celebrate a birthday. My oldest was born on 12/31/1999. She is the sweetest child anyone can ask for. Yes we have our moments, but she is a good kid. She is capable of many things. Now to review of my year. My hair is longer, My body tired and depression is taking over my mind. I have no motivation and neither do many people in me.  My goals are the same each year as to be honest to my fellow man, and to cherish each day I awaken. My fear is that I will leave this earth and into a greater existence soon. I do not know the date now do I know my Lord Yes. Death I do not fear missing my children is what i fear. I fear that my pain will take my life. I fear that I will not leave anything for my children. I want to build a vehicle that my kids could use. not fight over. I am scared that if I write out a living will I will pass on to the next life. 

Now as I reach 40 I am thinking of my legacy of what people will remember me as? I am not worried about retirement or anything because I am already on disability I am more worried of what people will say after I am gone. Will the remember my temper, My heart, My loves? Not many things could I afford to do much of my money goes into the day to day life. I do not have much for luxuries but I can save a bit and then get what I want. Right now I am working on saving up for something to do Moab with. A Dodge Ram 1500 regular cab short bed. Solid axle front axle, Long arm front suspension, Deaver leafs in the rear. Rebuilt the Engine and Trans and re-gear both ends for off road performance. 

80% off-road 20% on-road. That I would be my rig. Maybe time for a Kickstarter campaign 

Thank you for Reading

Mr. Crossrds

My life in Music.

My life in Music.

           How can Music be in ones life? Memories, That is how! Many memories are tied to songs. Songs that are released to this day can be tied to memories of years gone by. Tha Crossroads by Bone-Thugs and Harmony brings me to tears for those I have lost. That song was released in 1996 the same year I lost my brother. It talks about meeting at the Crossroad between Heaven and Earth. Many people go to that place and are met by people that they have lost years before. So every time I hear that song I think of my brother there waiting for me. He is always missed. I recently found a sister I thought didn't want anything to do with me. Found out it was other issues that were hurting that relationship. I have a brother that doesn't want anything to do with Family. A niece that has no respect for family or herself she has been on a path of entitlement (i deserve everything). She thinks that she shouldn't have to work for anything, It should be handed to her. Now maybe that is Mine and My brothers fault. We spoiled the crap out of her. Even if she says she doesn't remember it. Well I do, I have those memories and they are all tied to songs. It is time for family to leave the state of California and move away. To a more stable State. California is ruled by people that do not care about a persons self worth, Just about everyone being equal. Sorry people it doesn't work that way. Reason for social classes is for people to work towards something. If you want to be rich and not have to worry about money then make yourself better and hire able to what a corporation wants. You want to own your own business and make your own path, Then find the path that gets you to that point. I am not well "educated". But that does not mean I am not smart. One thing that many people do not know about me is my brain. I am able to fix things and ticker and remember that years later. I haven't driven a big rig in seven years but I know how to do it. I know how to read schematics and mechanical drawings. I always had great potential for the person I had worked with. I move fast inside a company and I learn fast. I am ideal employee for anyone. I will go out of my way to make sure your company comes second (sorry family first).

I can do any job I put myself in front of. the only thing that keep me from that is the chronic pain. So write now I have been working on becoming a better Father, Husband, and Son. I have put Faith, Jesus and My family first since I got sick. I do so in order to get the strength I need to make it through some days. My pain has been coming in harder and lasting longer. That means I spend more time just feeling crappy. I do not wish this on my worst enemy. I want my family to be proud of me. I do not like the "how can I help" looks I get. People do not ask me to go with them because of fear something will happen and not be able to do things.

Thank you for reading

Mr. Crossrds

Chronic Pain and Depression

Chronic Pain and Depression.

         They go together like a fly and poop! I suffer from both. I have had depression symptoms since I was little. I have been on medication of different kinds. Right now I am on cymbalta. It is for depression and helps with the chronic pain. I am admitting that some days it is hard to get out of bed because of the pain, but also days it is the depression. I do not care for either as the pain drags on for days I start to think of ending my life. I really do not what to end it, but feel it is the only way to make the pain stop. It is drastic measures to take but when you have a so much pain you feel it is the only way. I take precautions I make my wife hide my pain meds as i could easily take enough to end my life. I DO NOT WHAT THAT!

         I want to see my youngest get baptized, Married, and Grandchildren. I want to see my grandchildren when the time comes. I have a great thirst for living. So I just get those thoughts in my head I know it isn't me talking. It is a Monster in my head. I have to of them. I try to feed the little critter that leads me to righteousness. I feed it so my monster of anger, hate, and Death so it will shrink and not take over. I am so scared that one day that monster will take my life over and I will lose everything I have ever wanted. My wife and my kids are everything to me. I want them to be happy and not cry themselves to sleep as they worry for me and death. 

         When your daughter is doing poorly in school because she is worried and stressed about me. That is just backwards, She shouldn't worry about those things. She should be worried about homework, boys, and when she will have her next party. That is what a carefree teen is supposed to worry about. My health has got to the point that it is affecting more people then I ever could imagine. My parents are worried, Sisters, Brothers all worry about me. I like to stay under the radar. I do not think there isn't a person that loves me doesn't worry about me. 

          I feel their love everyday. I just hope and pray that they feel my love for them.

Thank you for reading

Mr. Crossrds.

Friends, Holidays, and Traditions

Friends, Holidays, and Traditions

           What are your Traditions. For many of us it is what our parents did. Well in this house we usually go to a parents house. This year was different with my health and wife's school schedule we just didn't want to go any where. So with parents aging and they just too tired to do the big dinners and such we are doing our own thing. This year as many before we were light on the gifts. Members from the community stepped up and gave us a porch full of presents for the family and kids. We were blessed I was touched by the spirit of our Lord and I knelt on my knees with tears running down my face and gave thanks for the many blessings I have received this year.

           Christmas on the 25th of December is a tradition that was started about 600 A.D. and was taken from the Pagan's and Heathen's (it was a celebration of the son god's rising). For most christian it is a celebration of Christs birth. So we celebrate it as well, after the evolution of this holiday it has become a celebration of his birth. Even if the day is not accurate it is what is celebrated. I am okay with this as long as I teach my kids that this is just a remembrance of him, not an actual birth date. 

            I try to strive on teaching my kids a diversity of beliefs. That is my goal that my children will question and ask the Lord for their own revelation.. I love this time of year even with it as hard as it is for me. I love you all and please be kind and rewind

Thank you for reading

Mr. Crossrds

Faith and Life

Faith and Life

        This is a hard subject to write about, I like to keep my beliefs quiet. I do not like to express them out loud. Probably has to do with the fact that if I do share I am called many names, Homophobic, hypocritical, and many other things that are just hurtful. Why do I believe what I believe? Well because I prayed to our Heavenly father and received an answer to my prayer. So I believe what I believe because of an answer to my Prayer. Whether you have a belief in God or not does not give you right to bad mouth me because I do. I have been called a sheep because I go to church. I can think for myself! I can do things by myself. I am not a sheep I am the Shepard as I bring my small flock to and far all while I herd and teach them. 

         I believe in a modern prophet and modern Revelation to people on this earth. I believe that the prophet Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon. He did not write it! He translated it through the priesthood of Jesus Christ. That Jesus Christ and his apostles had. I know many people that have left the LDS church and more times then not it boils down to hurt feelings by someone in that ward. It isn't because they do not believe in the gospel, Just that someone over stepped their own beliefs and used that to strike someone down. Now this is not the true meaning of the teaching of Jesus Christ. Jesus taught us to love one another. Not to put each other down. We are taught through teaching as young children that Freedom to choose is the greatest gift God have given us. 

           Could you believe if we where forced to believe in God. As a people we would rebel. We are rebellious in nature, we question everything. Believe in the LDS faith we are encourage to question the beliefs and the ordnance's in the gospel teachings. We are told to do that so we can have a Revelation for our self of the truth. Plain and simple is the Lord wants you to decide on how you worship or believe in him. For without him your life would not have a purpose. For with out purpose you will wonder aimlessly on this earth.

Now I write these things as to be of my belief. You must decide your own path.

Thank you 

Mr. Crossrds

Am I still angry

Am I still angry?

           As I was thinking this morning I started to think I was still angry. So this post is going to explore my anger. First I am pissed off because of all my pain. It just doesn't stop constant pain, I have a mild headache at all time. I hear swishing in my ears, My heart aches everyday that I can not do things with my kids. I see the sadness in their eyes as i tell them "sorry I just don't feel well" I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT!!

           I just do not know why? Why? Lord I try my hardest to be faithful, but hard when I can not perform the way my heart desires. I grew up be a young man serving the people I love. I want to be able to serve my children in the way they deserve. I see my oldest cry as she just wants her "daddy" normal again. I spend most of my days in bed. I try real hard to get going. I cry as I want my parents close by so they can help. I have no family near me. The closest one is my oldest sister and she is two and half hours away! My brother is in Nebraska, Just a lousy twelve hours away! 

          Why? Why did he die? We had plans, We made a deal and he left me! Why did you take him? I never did anything wrong I just wanted to enjoy him a few more years. Why wasn't I able to come home and lay him to rest? Why do I sit here crying? Why won't my niece talk to me? I do I feel alone with eight brothers and sisters? Not to many talk to many anymore. I don't get calls from many in my family or even my in-laws. My brother is pretty regular on checking in with me. Many do not understand the things I go through. They have their own things to worry about and I am not one.

          I do not call many friends I do not like the word. Friends - I don't care for it. I prefer call you brothers and sisters, but for you to get into that circle you will let me vent and gripe. You can use me for your benefit as long as I can do the same. I try not to ask for help, but some times I need it. When I come asking for help it takes me a lot to do that. When I was first trying to get a grip on my health I was pulled to an attorney to apply for SSDI. I did not want this, but I'm glad I was taken there. It allowed me to take a step back and not worry about money or the stresses that come with that. 

         My wife takes care of the finances because I worry too much about it. she fills me in and let's me know that bills are paid. I sit and wish I could buy me a truck that I can customize. Now you see a 1996 dually here.

I see a truck that is slammed rolling on 18's and air ready to haul anything you put on it. A hopped up 454 ci Motor and beefy trans. I see something my kids can still be proud of because they helped me. Now the funny thing is I found this truck for sale on www.kslcars.com The owner of this truck and I have much in common he is a good man. I have really enjoyed our texts and such. Kind of weird, but cool as ****.

      Now you may ask what I would do something like that. Well if you have been reading I have a passion for the olive Osmond hearing fund. I would use it to haul gear and a trailer for their events It would be a rolling advertisement. I would drive again. You do not know how much I just want to drive again. To me it is a relief just out on the road. 

Well this blog post was defiantly all over the place I apologize for that.

Than you for taking the time to read this

Mr. Crossrds

The Holidays and fears

The Holidays and Fears.

          My brother died in November a few weeks before the holidays season starts. My sister got married right after Thanksgiving. The holidays are hard as we hang our stockings and always remember the ones who have gone. Now i am learning to trust in the Lord and have faith in seeing him again. I know with the deepest of certainty that I will see my brother once again in the heavens and glory of our Heavenly Father. This past Sunday my son was set apart as a second counselor for his deacons quorum. I was in the circle and I can feel my Grandparents, My brother, and My sister. Plus many of spirits that my son will have a hand in bringing unto the Lord.

          I was told as a child that I am destined for greatness. I have always felt that I downed played that. I feel my children are my greatest purpose on this earth. I am a responsible for the raising of my children. I take responsibility in teaching my children so that when they go out into the world they will be able to keep their eye to the glory of God. It is mine and my wife's responsibility to teach our children about sex, drugs, and respect. Many people nowadays leave that to teachers. Doing that puts the teacher into a difficult situation. The teacher has their own belief and could be teaching against that. All you that read this and have children remember if you teach your beliefs in your home then you won't have to worry about what is taught in a public setting. You and your spouse are responsible for that, not the SCHOOL!

          Now I have friends that don't believe in God or not a set religion. I do not understand that nor do I believe in it, but I respect that choice they have made. More people need to accept the fact that people have different beliefs, Sexual orientation, color, and just different. All I ask in return is that same acceptance from you. You would like me to accept you and your choices, but you will protest mine? I do not get that. I am supposed to accept you then why can you not accept me?

          Fears

           My fear is a great fear of my father burying me before he passes. Now with my chronic pain it puts me higher in the at risk for suicide column. Now I think it is natural order to be frightened by an unknown like death. What LDS members believe in a "afterlife" and by that and by faith I know that I shall have my family for all time and eternity. I will see my brother again. I will see our Lord once again. Just because I am LDS doesn't mean I am hard headed and won't value someone for their thoughts or opinion, I game with people of many faiths and beliefs. We can have discussions on many things from politics to what poop is good. We are a good bunch of guys, We can stand by each other and are far more then just gaming "buddies". 

           Fear is a strong emotion. Fear can cripple a man. Fear lives in the darkness and thrives on the darkness in every one's soul. Now you have a light and dark in yourself. You must have it in balance to be of greatness. A man that can balance those two will allow someone to be a Great and powerful Leader. You do not have it balanced you will shrivel and die. Balance in all things is what I believe brings the most peace in one's life. I write a blog to help me with my balance. It allows me to "vent" and get things out. I am a heart on sleeve type of guy. By that it can leave me exposed, but it also leaves me to being exposed to the good. My dearest friends are great they understand many things, and have lived in perils I will never experience. To me they are Rock stars. My brother (younger) is now 37 he is a great Father and even better husband. I plan on living for my children, my brothers, Sisters, Father, Mother, and My friends.

Thank you all for reading

Mr. Crossrds

Son

Son

          My son who is twelve years old. He is my treasure. He is my only son, He doesn't have any brothers. He has three sisters. I love all my children with all my heart. My son is well my son, we share so much in common. I know it isn't good to favor one child over the other, but I tend to lean towards him and my second daughter. 

           The day my son was born it was 121 degrees outside at 10 a.m. He was born on my Father's birthday. My son shares a name with me and my older brother. We are tight as tight can be. I know he will have some rough stuff coming up in his life, as he gets ready to go to high school. High school is a rough time in life. Trying to find yourself during that time is very difficult. People will tempt my kids with worldly pleasures, And my son being so handsome girls will be all over him. With him being the only "Linden" to carry on the last name he will need to have more then I did.

            I'm very proud with my children as they continue on into adulthood. My oldest is almost fourteen she is getting very difficult to handle with. My son is very mellow compared to her. He is willing to take the "backseat" so the girls won't fight him. He will be blessed for his time on this earth, He is going to be of up-most importance to the expansion of the "Lords" church. I believe that my child are my greatest thing I have done on this earth. They are the reason for staying alive. For not taking my own life. When I am in that dark place I think of my kids and how they will miss me. When I have been in bed for a few days i start to feel worthless I think of my kids, my wife. I don't want my father to bury another son. I love my family and I love Christ I am willing to live for him. He died for me so I can live for him.

Thank you for reading

Mr. Crossrds