Chronic Pain and Depression

Chronic Pain and Depression.

         They go together like a fly and poop! I suffer from both. I have had depression symptoms since I was little. I have been on medication of different kinds. Right now I am on cymbalta. It is for depression and helps with the chronic pain. I am admitting that some days it is hard to get out of bed because of the pain, but also days it is the depression. I do not care for either as the pain drags on for days I start to think of ending my life. I really do not what to end it, but feel it is the only way to make the pain stop. It is drastic measures to take but when you have a so much pain you feel it is the only way. I take precautions I make my wife hide my pain meds as i could easily take enough to end my life. I DO NOT WHAT THAT!

         I want to see my youngest get baptized, Married, and Grandchildren. I want to see my grandchildren when the time comes. I have a great thirst for living. So I just get those thoughts in my head I know it isn't me talking. It is a Monster in my head. I have to of them. I try to feed the little critter that leads me to righteousness. I feed it so my monster of anger, hate, and Death so it will shrink and not take over. I am so scared that one day that monster will take my life over and I will lose everything I have ever wanted. My wife and my kids are everything to me. I want them to be happy and not cry themselves to sleep as they worry for me and death. 

         When your daughter is doing poorly in school because she is worried and stressed about me. That is just backwards, She shouldn't worry about those things. She should be worried about homework, boys, and when she will have her next party. That is what a carefree teen is supposed to worry about. My health has got to the point that it is affecting more people then I ever could imagine. My parents are worried, Sisters, Brothers all worry about me. I like to stay under the radar. I do not think there isn't a person that loves me doesn't worry about me. 

          I feel their love everyday. I just hope and pray that they feel my love for them.

Thank you for reading

Mr. Crossrds.