Am I still angry

Am I still angry?

           As I was thinking this morning I started to think I was still angry. So this post is going to explore my anger. First I am pissed off because of all my pain. It just doesn't stop constant pain, I have a mild headache at all time. I hear swishing in my ears, My heart aches everyday that I can not do things with my kids. I see the sadness in their eyes as i tell them "sorry I just don't feel well" I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT!!

           I just do not know why? Why? Lord I try my hardest to be faithful, but hard when I can not perform the way my heart desires. I grew up be a young man serving the people I love. I want to be able to serve my children in the way they deserve. I see my oldest cry as she just wants her "daddy" normal again. I spend most of my days in bed. I try real hard to get going. I cry as I want my parents close by so they can help. I have no family near me. The closest one is my oldest sister and she is two and half hours away! My brother is in Nebraska, Just a lousy twelve hours away! 

          Why? Why did he die? We had plans, We made a deal and he left me! Why did you take him? I never did anything wrong I just wanted to enjoy him a few more years. Why wasn't I able to come home and lay him to rest? Why do I sit here crying? Why won't my niece talk to me? I do I feel alone with eight brothers and sisters? Not to many talk to many anymore. I don't get calls from many in my family or even my in-laws. My brother is pretty regular on checking in with me. Many do not understand the things I go through. They have their own things to worry about and I am not one.

          I do not call many friends I do not like the word. Friends - I don't care for it. I prefer call you brothers and sisters, but for you to get into that circle you will let me vent and gripe. You can use me for your benefit as long as I can do the same. I try not to ask for help, but some times I need it. When I come asking for help it takes me a lot to do that. When I was first trying to get a grip on my health I was pulled to an attorney to apply for SSDI. I did not want this, but I'm glad I was taken there. It allowed me to take a step back and not worry about money or the stresses that come with that. 

         My wife takes care of the finances because I worry too much about it. she fills me in and let's me know that bills are paid. I sit and wish I could buy me a truck that I can customize. Now you see a 1996 dually here.

I see a truck that is slammed rolling on 18's and air ready to haul anything you put on it. A hopped up 454 ci Motor and beefy trans. I see something my kids can still be proud of because they helped me. Now the funny thing is I found this truck for sale on www.kslcars.com The owner of this truck and I have much in common he is a good man. I have really enjoyed our texts and such. Kind of weird, but cool as ****.

      Now you may ask what I would do something like that. Well if you have been reading I have a passion for the olive Osmond hearing fund. I would use it to haul gear and a trailer for their events It would be a rolling advertisement. I would drive again. You do not know how much I just want to drive again. To me it is a relief just out on the road. 

Well this blog post was defiantly all over the place I apologize for that.

Than you for taking the time to read this

Mr. Crossrds